Rude children: 10 warning signs and 10 tips to correct them

No parent intends to spoil their children. However, babies aren't born with an instruction manual under their arm, so instinct is often needed, which isn't always a guarantee of success.

There is no doubt that parenting is one of the most complex and challenging tasks we face in life, so it is common to make mistakes that end up being reflected in the child's behavior.

The good news is that we can correct those failures. It is never too late to find out where we are wrong and to change because too protective or permissive education can have terrible consequences, not only for the child's development but also for family dynamics.

Parents should keep in mind that a spoiled child is not a happy child, and neither is his family. That is why it is essential to learn to detect the first warning signs and stop them as soon as possible.

What is a spoiled child?

The spoiled child is not born like that, it is done. This means that it is the result of an overly permissive parenting style. A child does not indulge in giving too much love, hugs, cuddles and affection. He is spoiled by the absence of limits and norms.

Indeed, although the label "spoiled" is applied to the child, in reality it is only a reflection of an inadequate upbringing in which everyone yields to his wishes. The spoiled child is, therefore, a child who displays an arrogant, demanding and self-centered attitude that prevents him from assertively relating to others and that ends up affecting his development.

10 behaviors of rude children

1. Outbursts of anger become the daily bread. Outbursts of anger are common when children are small and can be considered normal up to 3 or 4 years of age, since they are essentially an outlet for children to express their frustration. When the child is small it is difficult for him to put into words what he feels so he expresses it through his body. Furthermore, his level of self-control is still very low. But growing up increases the control and the expressive capacity so that the whims no longer find their place. The constant outbursts of anger in a school-age child are usually a symptom that is being pampered to excess.

2. He is never satisfied. When you have always given him everything he wanted and he has never received a "no" in his life, the child grows up believing that he is the center of the universe, which everyone lives to serve him. As a result, he never shows himself happy with what he has and always wants more. For example, his toys satisfy him for a very short time and he immediately wants to buy more, or he asks for a particular dish for dinner but then doesn't eat it.

3. Try to control adults. Children are great manipulators, even if most adults fail to realize it. However, the rude child takes a step forward and try to control his parents' behavior and influence their decisions. This is because he does not establish a difference between adults and his peers, he feels he is the center of the world and everything has to yield to his wishes. A rude child believes he is the navel of the world and that everyone must bow to his wishes, as he suffers from the Emperor 's Syndrome . To achieve his goal he resorts to all kinds of tricks, from whims to the simulation of a disease or even direct confrontation.

4. Doesn't follow your orders. Children are not little soldiers, and neither are parents generals in the infantry. However, children need rules, which not only serve to protect them, but also to make them feel safer and more comfortable. Therefore, parents should not ask the child to do a certain sensible thing, much less bribe him to make him do it. The child must understand and accept that the parents have authority and that he must obey when they ask him for something reasonable.

5. Never helps around the house. When children are small they are very self-centered, they feel that the world revolves around them. However, after the first 3 or 4 years the child abandons this attitude, starting to take an interest in the feelings of others and becoming more cooperative. This is where parents need to start giving them responsibilities, such as picking up toys or storing shoes. However, one of the distinguishing characteristics of the spoiled child is that he does not seem to care about the work his parents do for him, is unwilling to help them and often ignores their requests.

6. It makes people feel ashamed in public. When the child realizes that some of his behaviors generate embarrassment, he takes advantage of them and uses them to attract attention in public. Therefore, it is not uncommon for tantrums to occur in public places or reveal things that make you feel uncomfortable, even if you warned him he shouldn't have said them.

7. He does not share his things. Up to 4 years of age, most children do not have a particular interest in peers, they play with them in parallel. However, from this age onwards they start playing together and sharing their toys. It is normal for the child not to want to share some of his toys, the ones he considers special and to which he is most attached, but this should not be the norm. The rude child is not only reluctant to share his toys and what he possesses, but also demands that others share everything with him. Engages in deeply selfish behavior.

8. They don't share their stuff. Up to 4 years, most children do not have a special interest in others, they play in parallel. However, from this age they start playing together and sharing their toys. It is normal for the child not to want to share some toys, which he considers special and to which he is most attached, but this should not become the norm. The spoiled child is not only reluctant to share his toys, but he demands that others share theirs. Engages in deeply selfish behavior.

9. Doesn't relate well to other children or adults. One of the most obvious signs that the child is spoiled is problems in interpersonal relationships. These children, being too self-centered, often have conflicts with their peers, so it is likely that they are always involved in fights or that other children end up avoiding them. The same goes for adults. When they realize that the child is misbehaving, they usually prefer to avoid visits to this family.

10. Does not apply the rules of courtesy, but demands special treatment. Spoiled children usually don't follow the rules of good manners. They don't say "thank you" because they think they have a right to everything, nor do they ask for things with a "please". This means that they do not show appreciation for the help they receive from others, and this will become an obstacle to their social life in the long run. It is also common for them to demand special treatment and get angry when it is not paid back because they usually do not tolerate negative feelings such as frustration.

What are the consequences for the spoiled child?

A spoiled child is not happy. Neither did his family. When a child receives everything they want and grows without limits, they will not be able to develop important skills such as frustration tolerance or resilience. As a result, he will not know how to deal with these emotions when they appear, which increases the chances of him suffering from emotional disorders such as depression from an early age.

Additionally, these children will not know how to delay gratification and will have poor self-control, two skills that have been shown to be essential for success in life. In turn, they will have low emotional intelligence, so they will be more likely to deal with numerous interpersonal conflicts, both personally and professionally, as they grow up.

The family also suffers. Managing a spoiled child is becoming more and more complicated as his demands continually rise, while duties diminish, so that the parents end up submitting to a tyrant who orders and arranges at will. In this panorama, the family balance falls apart, to the point that the family is no longer the ideal environment for the growth of its members and becomes a dysfunctional family .

To know how to handle a rude child, you first need to understand their behavior

To handle a rude child it is important to understand that this self-centered and immature behavior is usually the result of the inability of parents, and adults in general, to impose consistent and age-appropriate limits.

Behaviors that worry parents of rude children are not usually due to psychological problems but are a "normal" reaction, although in some situations they are not adaptive. In other words: the rude child has not learned to react adequately to situations that overwhelm him or has not acquired the correct rules of behavior.

A very interesting study developed at the University of Miami revealed that the behavior of French and American preschool children differs a lot. When playing, French children are aggressive towards their peers only 1% of the time, while American children, on the other hand, are aggressive 29% of the time. Psychologists are convinced that this difference is due to different parenting practices.

Research has clearly shown that the problematic behavior of rude children is often the result of inadequate attention from adults. A study conducted several years ago at the University of Washington analyzed the effects of attention on a rude child who used to respond with crying fits and outbursts. Every time the baby cried, an adult came to console him.

The psychologists asked the adults that, if the child was well and was not in danger, they should not go to him immediately when he had a fit of temper or crying. After five days, the little one went from an average of 7 episodes of tantrums and crying per day to almost zero. Interestingly, when the adults returned to pay attention to his maladaptive behaviors, the tantrums and crying got worse.

The same pattern was observed in school-aged children. In some experiments conducted in elementary school classrooms, psychologists noticed that some students abandoned their seats repeatedly for no good reason. Normally the teacher would interrupt the lesson to reprimand them. However, these efforts often increased the frequency of dropouts. Instead, when the teacher ignored wandering children and paid attention to those who were concentrated in the classroom, the frequency of problematic behavior tended to drop dramatically.

Unfortunately, most parents and teachers are more inclined to pay attention to annoying behaviors than to correct children's behaviors. It is estimated that adults generally ignore 90% or more of the good things children do. Instead, they pay more attention to children when they misbehave.

How to correct a rude child?

1. Identify behaviors to change. It may seem trivial, but it is not. Many parents make the mistake of generalizing so much that they end up looking at all behaviors equally. By using the "rude child" label you are reinforcing problem behaviors. Therefore, the first step in how to discipline a rude child is to identify the behaviors to change and, above all, reinforce positive behaviors.

2. Stop excusing him. Don't minimize your child's misbehavior. Don't justify his whims by saying "it's a child's thing" as this will encourage him to maintain that role model. Besides, it's not even convenient for you to apologize when he makes a mistake. He must learn to take responsibility and the consequences of his behavior so, instead of apologizing for him, encourage him to apologize. Making mistakes is the first step in maturing and abandoning the self-centered posture.

3. Establish consistent rules. In order for a spoiled child to leave bad habits behind and build new, more adaptive ones, you need to show them the way by establishing a set of rules. You must apply those rules regardless of where the disrespect incident occurred. The most important thing is to be consistent, because if the child realizes that sometimes the rules apply and sometimes they don't, he will be confused and will find it easier to continue misbehaving than to strive to develop good behavior.

4. Be specific. Do not scold the child, resume the behavior. Don't say phrases like "you are a rude son". Specify what you didn't like and how he should have behaved. You can tell him, “In this house, your voice doesn't get up,” so not only will you be pointing out bad behavior, but you will also be pointing out what you expect from him.

5. Allow other adults to scold him. In the past, it was common for teachers and adults to scold children when they did something wrong. Now many parents disapprove of him and ask to be the only ones who scold the child. However, there is nothing wrong with other adults taking up the wrong behaviors, as long as they do so correctly and within reasonable limits. This will motivate children to behave more respectfully in all contexts.

6. Let him address his problems. Many times, a rude child is a spoiled and overprotected child. Parents usually want to avoid problems for their rude children, but becoming helicopter parents will not do them any good, on the contrary, it will take away the opportunities to test their skills and mature. Therefore, whenever possible, let your child solve their problems on their own. Give him a little help if he needs it, but don't fix everything in its place.

7. Don't interact with him when he's angry. You should never tolerate rude answers, but there is little point in trying to reason with the child when he is too angry. Explain that you will only respond to him when he is able to communicate appropriately. In many cases, rude behavior is a request for attention, so stopping paying attention to your child when he gets angry can extinguish the wrong behavior because he will understand that it is not a valid strategy to achieve his goals.

8. Don't let them blackmail you emotionally. Many parents, in order to avoid the tantrums of children, especially when they are in public, end up giving in to their whims. So they only get to reinforce the negative behavior because the child will employ it as an effective strategy to get what he wants. Instead, you should make him understand that he can only get what he wants through reason and assertiveness.

9. Reinforce good behaviors. Most parents make the mistake of only punishing bad behavior by forgetting to propose a positive role model. Therefore, do not forget to appreciate the good behavior of the child, let him understand that you understand and appreciate the effort he is making to change.

10. Discipline it with love, controlling your reactions. Not disciplining out of shame or anger. It is possible to discipline firmly but lovingly. It is not convenient to put your child to shame or to lose your temper. Remember that you are his role model, and if you ask him to be able to control his emotions, you need to show that you know how to manage yours. Never affect love, your child needs to know that you love him.

 

Sources:

Field, T. (1999) Preschoolers in America are touched less and are more aggressive than preschoolers in France. Early Child Development and Care; 151: 11-17.

McIntosh, BJ (1989) Spoiled child syndrome. Pediatrics ; 83 (1): 108-115.

Harris, FR et. Al. (1964) Effects of Adult Social Reinforcement on Child Behavior. Young Children; 20 (1): 8-17.