Martyr complex: people who take advantage of the drama

The martyr complex implies the search for suffering in different ways to feel "good" about oneself. It is a self-destructive pattern of behavior that leads the person to do everything possible to find situations that can cause him distress and suffering.

Those who are martyred usually tend to "sacrifice themselves" in the name of love, duty or some other value that satisfies their psychological needs. As a result, he suffers needlessly while ignoring his own needs. Often this tendency to masochism leads him to maintain painful or codependent relationships.

Why would a person want to be a martyr?

There are cultures, families or social groups where martyrdom is encouraged and even people willing to sacrifice and suffer, especially for others, are frowned upon. In fact, it is the underlying message of religions such as Christianity, in which "good people" are expected to lead a life marked by asceticism and penance.

Self-flagellation, characteristic of some pagan sects that was absorbed into Christianity and extended widely during the second half of the 12th century, included every kind of physical punishment, such as whipping or wearing a hair shirt. Over time this practice disappeared, although it has never completely died out and mortification continues to be preached.

In some cultures, women are also expected to assume the role of martyrs and sacrifice themselves for the family. Those who give up their hopes and dreams for others are considered to be selfless, good, sacrificed, lovable, and worthy of example women.

Although we can fight and even reject these ideas on an intellectual level, they are nevertheless deeply rooted in the popular imagination, so it is not surprising that the word "martyr" continues to have a positive halo.

This means that, deep down, the person with the martyr complex takes on the role of the victim to improve their image. That person is seen through the eyes of availability, so they think they have no intrinsic value except as long as they satisfy the wants and needs of others.

After all, people with the martyr complex feel that they are not worthy of being loved, so they try to "atone" through the punishments and sufferings they impose. They try to redeem themselves by taking on heavy loads that do not correspond to them.

Generally they are people who, due to their life trajectory, have assumed that their feelings, emotions, ideas, needs and even their pain are not important, so they constantly silence them, thus turning off their own light. They believe they are responsible for the happiness and well-being of others, beyond what common sense dictates.

A parenthesis: the manipulative martyr

In some cases, the person with the martyr complex uses his or her established position as a victim to generate pain in others and manipulate them. He is a special type of martyr who uses his difficulties in life to achieve what he wants, presenting himself as a helpless victim who needs help.

This type of martyr usually gets rid of all kinds of responsibilities in life, putting it on the shoulders of others. By assuming a victim mentality and blaming everyone but himself, he projects his failures and disappointments onto others and hopes they will help him.

If people don't, he won't hesitate to resort to a long list of sacrifices and sufferings he made to generate guilt and achieve his goals.

7 Characteristics of people who tend to be martyrs

1. They tend to idealize great historical figures who sacrificed themselves for others.

2. They consider themselves good people, heroes or saints thinking that the rest of the world is selfish and insensitive.

3. They exaggerate their level of suffering, deprivation and mistreatment to appear as sacrificial victims. They actively seek appreciation, recognition and attention through their "dramas".

4. They have low self-esteem, they don't believe they are worthy of being loved for who they are.

5. They have an external locus of control, so they blame others for their problems and refuse to take responsibility for those decisions that caused them pain or suffering.

6. They have a hard time saying “no” and setting limits, so they tend to fall into abusive relationships or, conversely, become manipulative.

7. They do not take the initiative to solve their problems, but rather enjoy them and, when they eventually disappear, they look for new problems to complain about.

How to deal with a person who is a martyr?

1. Stop accepting favors and expressions of sacrifice. The person with the martyr complex will always look for ways to prove that they are "good" and, at the same time, create situations that make you feel "bad". To put an end to this theater, it is important that you stop accepting expressions of effort or sacrifice because the more you take away from a martyr, the more he will expect of you and the more likely he will feel resentful and create drama in the future. Of course, this is not about rejecting everything the person offers you as this will make them feel rejected, but you have to make sure that the help does not involve a sacrifice for the person and you have to work to be as self-sufficient as possible.

2. Accept him, but don't satisfy his need for compassion. If you feel compassion for the martyr, you will nurture his drama and victim role. This is why it is important that if that person tells you about their problems to attract your compassion, you try to help them see the situation from a more objective perspective by avoiding phrases such as "poor thing, you must feel very tired" or "what a bad luck you had " . Instead, focus on the positive results you get. When you don't feel sorry for her or the kind of sympathy that person is looking for, she will realize that you are not manipulable and will stop fueling her self-destructive behavior.

3. Express your concerns directly. Talking to a person suffering from martyr complex is difficult, but it is the only option for maintaining a mature relationship. His first reaction is likely to be angry, deny everything, or feel offended. It's important not to resort to recriminations, but to focus on how their behaviors make you feel and offer solutions to improve the relationship. Let him know that if you are touching the subject, it is because that person is important to you, but that you are not willing to continue that type of relationship. Start by acknowledging that you appreciate her effort, but then explain how that behavior is harmful to everyone.

How to eliminate the martyr complex?

The martyr complex ends up contaminating all interactions a person has with others. It's common for these people to feel resentment because they don't get everything they expect from others. They are also likely to become passive-aggressive people who end up damaging the relationships they are involved in. How to get out of this situation?

• Understand that you have other options besides being a martyr. We all want to be loved, accepted and appreciated. But it is important to get it for who we are, in an authentic way. Striving to please others by trying to prove yourself is difficult and will not give good results. Indeed, it is important not to confuse pain and pity with love. This kind of love is not satisfying because you are not expressing who you are, your feelings and your true self.

• Look for a new role in the relationship. We all take on different roles in our relationships. Some people assume authoritarian roles, others adopt equality roles, and finally others accept submissive roles. Your role so far has been to sacrifice yourself, but you can change that and take on healthier roles. Whichever role you choose, ask yourself: is it a healthy role? Am I dominant, submissive or acting as an equal for this person? Ideally, you should play roles that create equality for both you and others.

• Take on your responsibilities. While it can sometimes be painful to assume that we have made a mistake and that we have, in a sense, contributed to our problems, it is the first step in taking the reins of our life and leaving the victim role behind. Draw a line between what you can and cannot change. Let's assume happiness is a personal decision and it's up to you to make positive changes to make it happen.

• Be prepared for the reactions of others. If you have maintained relationships where others have taken advantage of your dedication and devotion, these people are likely to feel confused by your change and even push you to return to the old role. The best way to deal with these reactions is to speak directly about the personal growth process you are experiencing.

Sources:

Johnson, P. (2017) The history of Christianism. Barcelona: Sipan Barcelona Network.

Kets, M. (2012) Are You a Victim of the Victim Syndrome? Organizational Dynamics; 43 (2).

Life is hard. There are people who have been hurt - physically or emotionally - and have become victims of fate. But there are also people who choose - more or less consciously - to become victims, they are those who suffer from what in Psychology is known as the "martyr complex" (or martyr syndrome).

What is the martyr complex?

"The person who constantly draws attention to his misfortunes and sufferings risks provoking himself the martyr complex and giving others the impression of seeking compassion," warned Martin Luther King.