The dangers of becoming an "emotional sponge"

If you are a highly sensitive person, it is likely that when you enter space nothing will escape your radar. You feel the subtlest smells, notice the almost imperceptible details of the room and, of course, sense the emotional nuances. You are able to perceive the energy that is in the environment.

As a result, you may come to notice in your body the tension generated by environments loaded with stress, frustration, or repressed anger. That special sensitivity, however, has a dark side because not only can it end up crushing you, but it also makes you a person more vulnerable to the toxic dynamics that can be established in your most intimate, everyday circles of trust , such as home or work.

Hypersensitive people often become "emotional sponges"

 

People who are highly emotionally sensitive can feel the constant waves of tension, worry, frustration, sadness or anger that others emanate with great clarity. That special sensitivity makes them more vulnerable to the emotional states of those around them, becoming a kind of "emotional sponge" that absorbs the negativity around them.

If you are a hyperempathic person, it is not strange that it ends up being the reservoir of the passive-aggressive tensions of others. Without realizing it, you will become a kind of "emotional assistant" to others. Or, at worst, in their scapegoat or punching bag.

Since emotional hypersensitivity manifests itself from the early years of life, it is likely that from an early age you became your parents' emotional assistant and as an adult you took on the role of your partner's emotional assistant. This extreme sensitivity is what leads you to take on the role of assistant to all those people who have not grown emotionally and do not know how to manage their affective states.

Whenever we try to help someone else regulate their emotions, by encouraging or reassuring them, we practice what is called "extrinsic emotional regulation". In other words, we take "control" of his emotions and try to give him a more positive orientation. Not a bad thing.

In fact, if you are very sensitive, you will probably feel compelled to make things better, even if you are not fully aware of it at times. If you feel that a person's emotional energy is low, you will make a joke to cheer them up. When you feel stress, you put your anxiety aside and become the safe anchor that others can hold on to. If you anticipate an outburst of anger, remain silent and try to calm the storm.

But in some cases, the urge to "take care" of others can become so intense that you take your power away or take on an incompetent role to satisfy the other's need to feel strong or to believe that he protects you, when in fact it does the opposite. Without realizing it, you end up becoming the "emotional regulator" of others, at the cost of your own emotions, putting aside your needs and relegating them to a second or third level. And this is not good. Especially if it becomes a behavioral pattern that is maintained over time.

Projective identification: the fall of shadows

Many people, when they have an emotional charge that they are unable to accept and manage, they simply project it outward. It is what Melanie Klein called "projective identification".

Projective identification is a defense mechanism that works on an unconscious level in which a person discharges onto others the feelings and / or qualities that he rejects in himself. In this way, the person ends up projecting their own helplessness, anger, frustration or even envy onto others simply because they reject those feelings and do not accept them as their own.

Emotionally hypersensitive people are at risk of becoming "emotional sponges" that absorb all the anger, shame, sadness or anxiety that others cannot handle. They are more likely to perceive these projected feelings and, without realizing it, end up "digesting" them instead of others.

The problem is that in cases of projective identification, the person who projects those rejected emotions or qualities wants everyone to assume, feel and behave according to that projective fantasy. This means that this mechanism has both an “attributive” and an “acquisitive” side, so that anyone acting as an emotional sponge can end up assuming the feelings and qualities of others as their own.

In families, for example, projective identification can acquire a chronic character and be particularly problematic since it erodes the sense of identity of the person who takes these projections as his own. Through direct or subtle manipulation, he may end up believing that he is weak or numb, when in reality it is just the opposite. In practice, he takes on the role that others have assigned him. And this will eventually erode his identity.

How to deal with projective identification if you are emotionally sensitive?

Realizing that your sensitivity has made you the reservoir of other people's shadow projections can be painful, but remember that carrying on that toxic relationship for years is even more harmful.

Being aware of what is happening is the first step in breaking free and stop acting like an emotional sponge. This release dynamic can be tricky as your protective and sensitive side may feel guilty and you are likely to want to keep denying what is happening.

However, it's not about looking for the culprits, but about regaining your freedom. You must understand that, even if you are an emotionally sensitive person, you do not have the obligation to always manage the emotions of others.

In fact, taking on emotions that others don't want to handle doesn't help them, but it prevents them from growing. It prevents them from recognizing their shadows and assuming their responsibilities. Instead, you need to learn to set boundaries, say no, and most importantly, refuse to integrate those toxic projections because they're not really part of you.

Sources:

Nozaki, Y. & Mikolajczak, M. (2019) Extrinsic Emotion Regulation. Emotion; 20 (1): 10-15.

Klein, M. (1996) Notes on some schizoid mechanisms. J Psychother Pract Res; 5 (2): 160–179.

 

 

Of course, it is only natural that the emotional experiences of others influence us. If we notice that someone is sad, we will have a tendency to offer them comfort and support. If someone is angry, we will try to calm them down. We regulate our emotions and behaviors based on how others feel to respond assertively.