Judges of emotions: Don't accept anyone telling you how you should feel

Laughing or showing joy is not allowed. Ergo , happiness becomes a mortal sin.

Also, it is not allowed to show discouragement or fall apart. You have to stay positive.

These days, no matter where on the emotional spectrum we position ourselves, it seems inadequate. And there are those who point it out to us. People who have become "judges of emotions", a kind of guardians of the "right feeling" during the pandemic, as if something like this existed.

There is no correct emotional response

"Benevolent or hostile, the answer has always been out of tune", wrote Albert Camus in " The Plague ", a book in which he narrates an experience similar to the one we are living. The philosopher explained that, although there was a reality common to all, there were so many micro realities that everyone "spoke a different language" and thought that his feeling was the most important, valid or urgent.

Fine-tuning emotional responses has always been a challenge. But when the scenario that unfolds before us becomes chaotic and uncertain, the challenge becomes complicated. We do not know very well how to act because we lose the cardinal points that up to that moment served as a reference. Yet we are forced to continue walking on unknown and dangerous terrain where many rules have changed. This obviously destabilizes us emotionally.

Since the beginning of the crisis we have been on a kind of emotional roller coaster. From fear we move on to sadness, vulnerability and despair. Then apathy can come, a mechanism that helps us protect ourselves by taking a psychological distance from what is happening. So we get animated. We strive to appreciate the little things and can feel optimistic and even happy. And the cycle begins again. All characterized by outbursts of anger and a deep sense of injustice.

In the midst of these emotional ups and downs there are also people who resort to humor to deal with the drama we are experiencing. And there is no shortage of those who criticize them.

However, humor is a very powerful tool for dealing with adversity . "Humor does not minimize the importance of a terrible event, but allows the survivor to cope with the problem and progress in their environment," wrote Jacqueline Garrick, a social worker who cared for war veterans. Humor helps relieve pain and allows us to mitigate the negative impact of what is happening to us. That is why, even in the darkest of circumstances, there are people who resort to laughter. And they have the right to do so, if it is their mechanism to save themselves from tragedy.

Emotional validation essential

The situation we are experiencing is already surreal and hard enough in itself, because we must also be forced to impose a "correct" emotional reaction on us. Everyone reacts as best they can. We don't choose our emotions. We can only handle them.

We would love to be able to choose what to try. Snap your fingers and suddenly become very optimistic. Forcing us to feel sad when all we feel is deep apathy. But we can't. Or at least not that easily.

Therefore, we can comment on behaviors that may seem inappropriate, selfish, lacking in empathy, or frankly harmful to ourselves and others, but we cannot judge emotions or pretend that others feel what we do. Although we are all in the midst of a pandemic, confined to our homes, we cannot forget that each reality is different, so it is understandable that you trigger different emotional reactions.

When we criticize or judge the emotions of others, what we are doing is "invalidating" them. We're telling him it's wrong for him to feel that way. Therefore, that person will feel inadequate, alone and misunderstood.

On the contrary, right now what we all need is emotional validation. Emotional validation involves taking the emotions of others seriously. Don't neglect them, trivialize them or judge them. It involves understanding and assuming that there are no "good" or "bad", "right" or "wrong" emotions.

All the emotions we feel are valid and have a meaning in our life story and context.

How can we give emotional validation?

1. Pay attention to what he says. Sometimes we just have to get out, even if only for a few minutes, from our worries and the way we see the world, to put ourselves in the place of others and listen - really - what they tell us. This active listening can go so far as to work miracles as it facilitates emotional connection and can even have therapeutic power.

2. Accept the emotional experience. Any emotion a person experiences is a legitimate emotion, rooted in the history and circumstances of his life. Maybe we don't share that emotion, but we can understand where it comes from or what its raison d'etre is.

3. Offer company, not advice. Right now, most people just need to know they can rely on someone, to have a friendly shoulder to cry on, even in the distance. Giving advice when the person has not asked for it can be counterproductive as it assumes that they are unable to manage their emotions. Therefore, it is best to accompany without invading.

One of the reasons why it is so difficult to validate the emotions of others is the anxiety of wanting to help them feel better and, at the same time, feel better about ourselves. We have a hard time making room for emotions, especially when they are painful, unpleasant or don't coincide with ours.

In these times, we should all be rowing in the same direction to save ourselves. And it is, but it is not necessary for all the people on the boat to sacrifice their identity. As Camus warned, fighting the epidemic cannot be reduced to giving up what is most personal for us to collectivize a general sentiment, by decree.

Indeed, this emotional diversity is what enriches us and allows us to move forward despite everything. While it may not seem true, fear helps protect us, joy motivates us, and sadness unites us.

All emotions are valid and all have their raison d'etre. They all have a message to convey and are useful. Therefore, don't let anyone judge your emotions, much less tell you how you should feel. Nobody has the right to become a "judge of emotions", much less now.

Sources:

Pérez, A. et. Al. (2019) Laughing away the pain: A narrative review of humor, sense of humor and pain. European Journal of Pain; 23 (2): 220-233.

Garrick, J. (2006) The Humor of Trauma Survivors. Journal of Aggression Maltreatment & Trauma Maltreatment & Trauma ; (1-2): 169-182.